It's very strange how, when you have too many emotions working inside you at once, you have a hard time actually feeling anything at all.

That was the state of mind I was in as I walked away from my grandfather's house: numb and completely blank. I didn't notice the cold and darkness of the winter night. I didn't even notice that I was shaking with exhaustion until I actually stumbled over something, fell to my knees, and found I wasn't up to the effort of standing again. That was vaguely worrying; Ryo had told me that summoning the full armor was very tiring, and I hadn't been feeling energetic anyway, but I was still a little surprised at how intense the feeling of fatigue was. I also couldn't help feeling a distant touch of pride as I looked down at myself- somewhat surprised to find my helmet in my hand, for I didn't remember taking it off- for I had finally done it. The Kourin had obeyed me and come at my call. I truly was a Ronin now. Curious, I lifted the helmet and regarded the metal prongs for a moment. Where Ryo's helmet had blade-like projections, mine looked more like lightning bolts. Fitting, I thought, and let the helmet drop, taking my hand with it. It was terribly heavy, and I was quickly becoming aware of the weight of the breastplate, and the arm-guards and leg-guards and boots and the sword pressing into my back, making my shoulders stoop...

How had Ryo said to take it off? Concentrate? That was no easy task at the moment, but I worked at it and sighed in relief as the green glow heralded the armor's departure and the return of the orb. It was good to be rid of the weight, but the disadvantage was that as soon as the armor was gone, I became acutely aware of the bitter cold. The wind had picked up and bits of ice from the nearby cedars were blowing into my face. I re-zipped my jacket, which I'd unzipped while we were in the house, and pulled my hood up over my head. As I did, I heard footsteps behind me. A surge of fear gave me the strength to spin around and try to get to my feet, in case the General was coming after me.

'Try' is the operative word there.

Ryo caught me as I staggered and Rowen came to my aid, too, bracing an arm around my lower back. "Are you all right?" my brother asked softly, and only then did I register that he'd removed his own armor and was carrying my bag. Rowen was pulling the suitcase again. I couldn't see either of their faces very well, but I sensed their concern.

"Just tired," I said, but I was shaking so much that it came out very oddly indeed. "Tired," I repeated more clearly. 

"And stressed, I'd suspect," Rowen murmured, and his gloved hand patted my back. "You did awesome, Sage, standing up to him like that. You were magnificent."

I think I gasped as his words dissolved the numbness. Stressed? Yes, I was that- and shocked and scared and ashamed; amazed, proud... I had done the unthinkable, the almost unimaginable. I had defied the General. And now I seemed to be testing every major emotion at once to see which was the right way to feel about it. Had I been brave, facing the man who'd hurt me so badly, or had I acted the coward, being armed when he wasn't? Should I go back and ask his pardon, or go back and demand that he ask mine? Should I take more from his home, in restitution for all he'd taken from me, or would I feel like a thief doing so? Did I even want anything he might part with? Was I burning my bridge, or had there never truly been one there to burn? Perhaps I would regret my action; perhaps I would only regret that I'd never know whether he regretted his.

Ryo had to urge me down the driveway- not that I was at all reluctant to leave, I was just too dazed to take decisive action. As we reached the road, I wondered again if the old man might come after us and try to stop me. Scared, I concluded, was still firmly at the top of the list, and then I tried to distract myself from feeling anything at all. I was a Ronin, and I was free of the bully, and that was enough. Besides, I had other things to think about- like not losing my footing. 

The walk to the train station seemed to take forever, an eternity of slippery sidewalks, of Ryo's steadying hand beside me and Rowen's occasional touch behind me; of pushing through the crowds and squinting against the bright lights on either side of us; of being unable to stop shaking; of longing to lie down and sleep and longing equally for something hot to eat or drink. It was too blasted cold! The interior of the station made a nice change from the bitter-cold night, for although it was just as bright and if possible even more crowded, it was warm. When we got to the Azu track, there was a bench to sit down on, and that too was a distinct improvement. It bothered me a little when Ryo disappeared into the crowd, but Rowen sat beside me, giving me a smile or a pat every few moments, so I managed to remain calm. Or, well, I managed not to get any shakier than I was already. Ryo soon returned and gave me a ticket- which cleared up the question of where he had gone- and I felt much better when he sat down on my other side. None of us said anything as we waited for the train to show up, though it wasn't because there weren't things I wanted to say. It was that there were too many people around, and I was too dazed to put my thoughts together sensibly anyway. So I sat, and shook, and waited another little eternity for the train to show up.

I did finally stop shaking sometime after we were on the way to Azu. I'm not sure whether I relaxed first, fell asleep first, or both about the same time, but the result was the same: waking up with my cheek against Rowen's shoulder, seeing darkness outside the window beside him, and hearing his voice kindly telling me it was time to get off the train. I sat up in a haze and went where I was led. The train station at Azu is an outdoor one, but even the freezing air didn't make much impression on me at that point and most of what I remember is walking again. One foot after the other, Ryo's encouraging voice ahead of me, Rowen's cheerful-sounding remarks behind me. At one point Rowen spoke with interest about the number of stars he could see, which resulted in me nearly falling over as I tried to look up at the sky and see what he meant. "All I see's trees," I told him, and noticed my teeth were chattering again. "I think. They better be trees. They're dark, so they aren't shops. I think," I added after a moment, "I'm not making much sense."

Ryo chuckled as Rowen told me not to worry about it. "People who're half asleep aren't expected to make sense."

"That's good," I mumbled, and decided to keep my mouth shut. It was too cold to talk, particularly if one wasn't going to make much sense. Might as well not freeze one's teeth and tongue for the sake of nonsense. Rowen agreed, which confused me, because I didn't think I had said that out loud, but my attention wandered when Rowen asked Ryo how far a walk we had. A lot of the next few minutes were spent comparing the metric system to the American units system, which I didn't even try to follow. I didn't care how many kilometers or miles it was; all I cared about was whether we were there or not, so I could stop walking.

The transition was sudden, as before. One second I was trudging over a path in the frozen snow, the next, stumbling up the wooden steps and into the warmth of Ryo's house. Ryo took Rowen's suitcase away, and it was only then that I realized he'd been carrying my little white bag for me. Rowen helped me get my coat off, then sat beside me on the sofa and wrapped us both up in the fuzzy blanket that lay on the back of the cushions. It was great to be warm again, but I didn't stop shivering until Ryo brought some hot tea and bowls of Ramen for us all. It seemed so strange, so informal, to sit on the sofa and eat instead of going to the table. Informality, I discovered, was nice. Comfortable, undemanding. 

I woke up fairly well while I was eating, but I only remained alert for a little while after I finished. To this day, Ryo swears he didn't put anything in my tea that shouldn't have been there; he says it was the heat that made me drowsy again. But I still can't quite understand why that would be so. And I wouldn't put it past him to have given me chamomile to get me to calm down. At any rate, I have only the dimmest memory of what happened after that. I remember hearing Rowen talking about something- a career of some sort- and then I was walking somewhere else, which annoyed me a little. I'd walked enough. Then I was lying down and covered with something and that was pretty much that.

To say I woke up disoriented would be to put it too mildly. 

I opened my eyes and saw a clock sitting on a small table beside me, sunlight glowing off the face and making it hard to read. I pushed myself up on my elbow to get a better view and discovered to my horror that it was nearly nine-thirty. I had overslept, I'd be in awful trouble, I was late for-! No, wait, wasn't it Sunday? I turned over and sat up, frowning as I tried to remember, and the significance of the table sank in. I didn't have a table. And there was never sunlight in my room in the mornings. Confused, I started to get up, and as my feet dropped over the side of the bed, I lost my balance and nearly ended up on my knees on the floor. Grabbing the table, I slowly straightened up and looked behind me. A bed. Not my futon on the floor; a genuine bed. With soft cotton blankets, not the scratchy wool one, and a fat pillow. I stared at it for a moment, then slowly sat down and took another look around the room. Window. Soft green curtains. Table, clock...and some other scattered stuff. Beyond the foot of the bed, closet doors of varnished dark-gold wood. A dirty-white bag and a suitcase. A small three-drawer dresser beside a closed door with a white robe hanging on a hook-

"Ryo," I said softly, focusing on the robe. Yes, that was it, Ryo had checked to make sure the robe was hanging there before leaving me to sleep for the night- but that hadn't been last night, that had been weeks ago! How-?

Last night.

Oh...yeah. 

My gaze turned to my bag, Rowen's suitcase, and I had to close my eyes even as I smiled. This was where I was; that was what had happened. This little room was my room now, and I already loved it. The curtains were a little faded where the sun hit them, and that delighted me. The wood of the dresser and table was worn with use, and I reached out to touch the smoothness. These things were not stood in corners to be admired from a distance; they were functional, practical, not luxurious. Like the difference between comfortable informality and stiff correctness. Cozy, I thought, smiling around the room. I would be happy here, I knew it already.

A soft tap on the door startled me a little; I said hai almost shyly and felt my cheeks grow warm when Ryo opened the door and slipped inside. "Good morning," he said softly. "Sleep okay?"

"Yes, thank you," I replied. "I was a little confused when I woke up, but I'm very happy now." 

Ryo grinned, sitting beside me on the bed and putting a friendly hand on my arm. "I never would have guessed it, that scowl on your face," he teased, and I laughed. "I think I need to empty out some of those drawers," he added, nodding at the dresser, which I did not recall being there before. "And it's been a while since I looked in the closet...we can get that organized today."

"It is Sunday, isn't it?" I asked, rubbing my forehead. "Oh yes, never mind, yesterday was Saturday, but we didn't have school because of the ice." Ryo looked amused, but before he could comment, I asked, suddenly remembering, "Rowen?"

"On the sofa. He said he's going to apply for a job as your pillow, you kept falling asleep on him," Ryo joked. "And then he said if you could sleep on his sofa, he could sleep on mine, and it was handier to the kitchen anyway," he went on as I blinked.

"Oh... I don't really remember..." I murmured, feeling another blush.

"He didn't mind. Seemed to kind of like it, actually; he kept smiling at you." Ryo's smile softened. "I think he was feeling protective." 

I blushed even more- today was my day for it, apparently- and looked down at my hands, only then noticing the coolness of the air. Shivering a little, I drew my legs up to sit lotus-style and pulled a few folds of the covers around me. Ryo's cheerful look faded as he moved closer to me, and for a few moments we were both very quiet. I felt strangely shy; more than anything, I wanted to stay in his home with him, but I was beginning to have doubts. What if we didn't get along so well after all? What if we put our friendship at risk? There was good reason for the old saying familiarity breeds contempt. Would Ryo end up wishing he hadn't taken me in? Was he already wishing it, what with having to rearrange his things, give up the guest room- it was no exaggeration to say that his whole life was going to change as much as mine was. He would be sharing things now, perhaps compromising, perhaps missing his privacy. I hated the thought of being a burden and a nuisance, an obligation- a disruption. But where else could I go?

You know...that's a pretty good sum-up of my basic character. Ten minutes into a new, hopeful life that I hadn't dared to hope for- a dream come true that I hadn't even dreamed of- and I was already looking at the potential down-sides, summing up the disadvantages and thinking what to do about them. That's me, the planner, the one to set things out (if only to myself) and look for weaknesses; the strategist. 

Okay, yes, the pessimist as well, but I'm trying to make it sound like a good thing.

"It was- it was pure luck that he was with me," I said after a moment, responding to Ryo's comment and keeping my anxieties to myself. Time would tell; and maybe once I'd had a chance to think about it, I'd come up with an alternate plan. 

"I know." Ryo squeezed my arm. "He told me about it- the garden." 

"Ah," I said, and took a breath, glad I need not talk about that. 

"Seiji...?"

I looked at him.

"Why...did this happen?"

I got a sort of an 'uh-oh' feeling at that question. It wasn't really an unexpected one, but I knew that as soon as I told him, Ryo was going to get upset with himself, even though it wasn't his fault. "I...was careless," I replied slowly, trying to give myself time to find an evasion. "He found out that you and I were still 'associating' with each other-"

Ryo frowned.

"-and I- well, he figured out you were training me, too. I'm not sure, but I think that was the point of all those beginner tournaments he keeps- kept putting me in. He was watching my technique, I think, and seeing things he hadn't taught me. I did slip a few times, but I thought he didn't notice, since he never said anything." I paused and shrugged. "I guess he was just gathering enough evidence until he was sure." 

"That makes sense, but- what made him sure enough, and mad enough, to...to go to such extremes?"

I hesitated, realizing an evasion wasn't going to answer. I had to be honest, even though my brother's face already resembled a thundercloud. "That- I was stupid- it was one of the notes. I left it in my pack, like an idiot, and he snooped through my books while I was in the practice room."

Ryo used some words I hadn't heard from him before, pounding his fist against the mattress hard enough to jostle us both. I watched him rather uncertainly, impressed and a bit wary at this display of temper. "That last one, was it?" he asked angrily when he was done swearing. "The one saying we should meet today and practice. 'Tell the old oni you have to go to the library'- k'so! Why did I write that?!"

"I should have been more careful," I murmured, putting my hand on his taut fist. "I know he goes- went- into my room all the time anyway. And it wouldn't matter what you called him, it was the training he most objected to."

"No wonder he was going on about disrespect," Ryo growled, and then he sighed. "I'm sorry..."

I was trying to decide how to persuade him that he shouldn't blame himself when there was a very unexpected scream.

I'm sure Rowen would like me to call it a 'yell', but his voice hadn't begun to change yet: a scream was what it was. Sorry, Rowen.

Needless to say, neither of us was expecting that. Ryo got out of the room before I did, since he didn't have to untangle himself from the covers, but I was only a few steps behind him as he ran down the hall toward the living room. I think we were both worried that the General might have followed us somehow, but he hadn't. 

Things got quite confusing right about the time Ryo got to the living-room doorway, because Rowen came charging through it and ran straight into him, nearly knocking both of them over. Ryo grabbed at the wall and managed not to sit down on the floor; I, having had a few seconds more to react, grabbed Rowen by the arm and stopped him before he could repeat the process on me. "Whoa," I told him, an expression I had picked up from reading some English books. "What's wrong?"

"In the-" Rowen started in English, then restarted in Japanese: "In there!" pointing at the living room. "It- I just- it was- by the- staring at me!"

Ryo, who was rubbing his shoulder, headed for the living room wearing a perplexed expression, apparently too curious to wait for a more coherent explanation. This seemed to alarm Rowen even more; he spluttered for a moment, reaching for Ryo as if to prevent him from entering the room, but wasn't close enough to stop him. "Did you have a bad dream?" I asked calmly, noting that Rowen's face was paler than usual and his eyes were very wide. 

"No," he panted, shaking his head wildly. "No- it's- there- Sage, there's a tiger in there!"

For just a moment, I felt a touch of alarm. Then I remembered- of course there was a tiger in there. White Blaze must have come in during the night. Then I reflected that there couldn't be many homes in Japan where the remark, 'there's a tiger in the living room!' would meet a response like, 'well, sure; what's wrong with that?' and the thought made me smile. 

"I mean it, a tiger, a real one!" Rowen insisted. "I wasn't dreaming, Sage, I opened my eyes and it was like a foot away, staring right at me!" 

"That would alarm me, too," I had to admit, realizing belatedly that he'd misinterpreted my smile. "But it's okay-"

"I'm serious!" Rowen grabbed my arm and shook it slightly. "It's real!"

"He," I corrected. "He's real, and his name is Byakuen- you would say, I think, 'White Blaze'. He's Ryo's friend, and mine. He won't hurt you."

Our poor confused American stood blinking at me for several seconds, his mouth open. "Friend?" he got out at last. 

"Yes," I began; "he-"

"-would appreciate it if you wouldn't yell; it hurts his ears," Ryo inserted unexpectedly. 

Rowen and I both turned to see Ryo and Blaze standing in the doorway. Rowen hurriedly took several steps back, still hanging on tightly to my arm, his eyes the size of coffee mugs. I looked from him to Blaze, noticed the hair standing up on the big cat's neck and the tilt of his ears, and drew a conclusion. "White Blaze wasn't here last night," I remembered aloud, "so it must have been a surprise to him to come in and find a stranger on the- on his- sofa." I smiled as Blaze's ears began to lift. "And I might be mis-remembering, but I can't recall that we ever discussed him at school."

"You sure didn't!" Rowen replied in a low voice, his eyes never leaving Blaze. "B'lieve me, that I woulda remembered!" 

Ryo looked quite surprised. "I told you-" he started, and stopped as Rowen shook his head vigorously. "No? I...thought I did... Uh, well, uh, sorry about that," he concluded sheepishly. 

"You told me," I recalled. "On the train, the last time- maybe that's what you remember."

Ryo scratched his head, frowning. "No, that's not what I was thinking of- it was while we were in the library one day."

"Oh, you talked about tigers one day," Rowen agreed. "But you definitely didn't mention this one." 

"That's a big omission!" I told Ryo, teasing a little, and he frowned at me.

"I think the bell rang before I could," he said. "Anyway, let me introduce you, Rowen." He held out his hand; Rowen looked startled and took another step back. 

"I- if it's all right with you, I'll decline the honor of a closer introduction," he said quickly. "We got plenty close enough already, thanks."

Ryo blinked and White Blaze gave a feline snort, lowering his head. Not a good sign. Blaze was too intelligent to attack Rowen, but it wasn't a good idea to have a surly, suspicious tiger in the place. "That's not wise," I said into the tense silence. "You wouldn't decline an introduction to another human, would you?"

"W-well- no, that..." Rowen paused. "That would be- very rude."

"Extremely rude," I agreed. 

"But-"

"Think of White Blaze as another human," Ryo advised, stroking the tiger's back to calm him. "At least, mentally. Physically, he's obviously got a lot of advantages over humans- except for not having hands."

Rowen looked from one of us to the other and back again, muttered something in English about Rome, then took a hesitant step forward. Ryo took his hand and offered it to Blaze, saying quietly as he did, "This is Rowen, Blaze." Rowen looked extremely alarmed but didn't pull away as Blaze deigned to sniff once, in a bored way. Then the tiger turned and sauntered back into the living room; I heard the sofa squeak and knew where he'd gone. Ryo cast his eyes upwards, but didn't say anything about it as he let go of Rowen's hand. "There, that's all there is to it."

"You guys are weird," Rowen stated, shaking his head in a rather dazed fashion. "D'you have any more major surprises waiting to freak me out with?"

Ryo and I looked at each other for a moment- I think neither of us were terribly sure how to take that statement. "No," Ryo answered simply at last. "Is anyone besides me thinking of breakfast?"

Both Rowen and I were, and we soon had something to eat, but the rest of the morning was awkward. Rowen kept glancing around, keeping an eye on White Blaze and growing tense every time the tiger got near him or even just looked his way. Ryo tried to reassure him a few times, but gave up when he saw it wasn't doing any good. In fact, I began to wonder if the reassurance wasn't doing more harm than good, if Rowen wasn't almost as 'freaked out' by us as he was by Blaze. Having a grown tiger for a 'friend' was yet another way in which we were different, another strange thing to deal with on top of all the other strange and frightening things that had happened. And they'd all happened within a very short time, too. 

Just to add to that, Ryo and I got pretty busy in the guest room- my room- after breakfast. Rowen offered his help, but ended up mostly trying to stay out of our way and Blaze's. So I was pretty sure it wasn't a coincidence when he decided to leave about five minutes after we finished emptying the suitcase he'd loaned me. I grew even more certain when Ryo offered to walk with him part of the way and Rowen declined with more firmness than courtesy. Ryo looked at him for a moment, sighed, aquiesced, and went back to my room; I walked with Rowen to the door and thanked him again for all his help. "And- Rowen-?"

"Yeah?" He paused on the steps and looked back at me almost warily.

"I'm sorry we made you so uncomfortable," I told him softly. 

Rowen looked away, chewing on his lower lip. Then he shrugged and gave me a strange half-smile. "I'll deal. You'd think it'd be easier, seeing I grew up where people are weird for a living. It's just- not this kind of weird. Y'know?" I nodded, but before I could say anything else, he added, "See you guys in school," and had turned away. I stood at the door for a few minutes, watching him walk across the field to the woods and disappear under the dark trees. Then, suddenly feeling lonely, I went back inside to find Ryo. 

He was in the bedroom, kneeling by the dresser, and he didn't look much happier than I felt. I sat down on the floor near him and told him what Rowen had said. Ryo nodded and sat silently for several minutes, staring at the dresser drawers. "I feel pretty bad that he got all freaked," he said at last, using Rowen's word. "But I can't think of anything we might have done differently." I had been thinking almost exactly the same thing, and I said as much, which led us into a depressing discussion of whether he would now keep his distance from us or not. Of course we didn't reach a conclusion on that- the only one who knew how much he was affected and what he was going to do about it was Rowen, and even he might not know just what actions he might take. But the conversation certainly didn't lighten our moods. 

"Well, what happens, happens," I said at last. "All we're doing is worrying, so maybe we should stop and do something else. Besides, he said he'd deal with it, he's used to strange things." I'd already mentioned that once, but it seemed to bear repeating.

"You're right," Ryo said briskly, shaking his hair out of his eyes. "We have to finish moving you in!" He smiled and I suddenly felt happy again. 

The day seemed to go by so quickly after that. Before I knew it, the sky outside was dark and Ryo was talking about dinner- we'd both forgotten about lunch. I helped him get it ready, in the process learning where most of the things were in the kitchen, and we ate sitting on the floor near the fireplace. It was almost like a dream- the warmth of the fire, the flickering flames sending dancing shadows over everything...and later, the weight of Blaze's head on my knee as I petted him and Ryo's comfortable silence as he sat beside me..and later yet, following Ryo sleepily down the hall into my dark bedroom, sliding into the chilly bed and hearing it creak as he sat down beside me. He remained there for a few minutes, his hand warm on my side, taking the chill from the soft sheets, then softly said good night and quietly got up to go to his own room. "I'll wake you in the morning for school," was the last thing he said before closing the door, and I lay awake for a little longer, thinking about that. 

There was an unfamiliar feeling in my heart: I felt safe, and free, and happier than I had ever been before. My only concern was a nagging irrational fear that something might happen to take this new contentment, this haven, away from me. It was silliness, I told myself, but if something should ever threaten what I had found here, I was prepared to fight to keep it.

I did have to fight of course, but not the way I'd resolved to, or for the reasons I feared. Still, I don't think now that it was foolish of me to be concerned; there was a small but genuine chance that someone might have realized something unusual was going on and taken steps to end it. 

Luckily, that didn't happen. 

We had to explain my sudden presence in Azu, of course. The story we invented was that I was Ryo's half-brother, sent by our father since- with my mother's recent death in a drunk-driving accident- there was no longer a place for me in Little Tokyo. The Azu folk accepted the story readily enough. There was some quiet disapproval at my half-blood, and some whispers about that fact that Ryo and I were obviously close to the same age, but I had a lot of practice at ignoring prejudice and people on the whole were amazingly tolerant of 'whatever might have happened' thirteen years ago. That was a pleasant change and I remember that I remarked on it to Ryo one night. He laughed, asking, "Where did you think I got it from?" and reached over to mess up my hair. 

It was the most dishonest thing I had ever done, but I had no qualms at all about it. I was not going to take any chance of being separated from Ryo or sent back to the General. Besides, as far as I was concerned, he was my brother, in heart if not in blood, and for all I knew my mother really was dead. Not that I thought she was, but she might as well have been. Ryo didn't seem to have any objections to our story either; in fact, he was the one who decided I should come from New York's Little Tokyo, saying that would explain how I knew the Japanese customs and culture. I had learned enough about New York from Rowen that I felt confident of answering any questions people might ask me about it, so I agreed. The only thing that made me a little anxious was that my English wasn't really good enough to pass for genuine American, but that never became a problem. 

The remainder of February was a truly wonderful time for me. The change- the contrast between how I was used to living and how I now lived- left me in a sort of perpetual daze of happiness. Just waking up every morning was wonderful. Sometimes I woke on my own and would lie in the bed, relishing the comfort and warmth and watching the shadows lift as dawn approached. More often, though, I would be gently woken by Ryo's hand on my shoulder and his voice saying sleepily, "Wake up, Seiji," or something similar. I suppose I could have replaced the aged alarm clock that sat on the night-table and refused to go off no matter what one did to it, but I preferred it the other way. 

After he woke me up, Ryo would patter back to his room- barefoot, always- to dress and we would eventually meet in the kitchen. After a quick breakfast (and sometimes some rushed lunch-making) we would hurry out of the house and set off on the two-kilometer walk. Though sometimes that was more like a 2-k jog, and once or twice, a run. It took me a while to get used to that; it was still very cold in the mornings, which wasn't a great deal of fun. I also wasn't used to walking so far first thing in the the morning, so at first I felt pretty tired when we reached the station. The ride in turned out to be very good for catching a small nap. But by and by my stamina got better and I spent the time reading a book or talking with Ryo- it sort of depended on whether he was finishing any homework or not. Getting off at the Toyama station was always a bit of an adventure itself, and the walk up to the school meant a lot of dodging, but the school routine itself went as it always had, naturally enough. It was after the (equally crowded) return trip to Azu that things started to vary a bit. 

On Tuesdays and Thursdays we would get off the train and go in opposite directions, him to the Kigan-dojo and me up the path through the woods to the house. It felt very strange to walk up the trail to the house without him, and even stranger to be alone in the house. And since it was only twice a week, it took me quite a while to get used to it. The first time, I kept my mind busy with homework, but when I tried it again the next time, I found myself checking the clock for the third time in two and a half minutes, and decided I needed a better distraction. Fortunately, there were several at hand: our dishes from breakfast needed to be washed, the kitchen floor needed a sweeping, the counter was cluttered... The more I looked, the more I found to do, and it certainly did make the time go by faster.

It's still amazing to me how perceptions can change one's attitude. In the General's house, I had bitterly resented my chores, but once I got home- that is, once Ryo's home became mine- I stopped thinking of 'chores' and simply did whatever caught my eye to be done. I think that is one reason why the house did come to feel like home to me so quickly.

The other thing I started doing on Tuesdays and Thursdays was cooking something for supper. Ryo was better at cooking than I, but he didn't turn up until between seven and eight o'clock and I never felt like waiting that long to eat. So I would cook enough for us both and put some aside, and when Ryo walked in looking tired and half-starved, I would fetch the plate and sit with him while he devoured it. When he was done (and he always thanked me for the meal, even if it was one of my less-successful concoctions) we would go to sit near the fireplace and finish homework. I usually ended up reading for an hour or so after I was done; Ryo said he got some assignments done between his duties, but I suspect he spent more time watching the swordwork than studying. I probably would have, too.

On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays we walked home together, and the first thing we did each day after we got there was to come back outside and spend an hour or two on my sword-training. (It had to be outside; there wasn't enough room to practice properly inside the house.) I didn't care too much for that at first- practicing after such a long walk was exhausting- but that got better as my endurance improved. I didn't realize for quite some time that Ryo was doing it that way on purpose, to increase my stamina, and when I did figure it out, I had a few words to say about how sly he was. 

When my sly sensei decided I'd had enough for one day, we would put the swords away and go inside to see what chores needed to be done. After that it was usually time for supper, and the day would end as it usually did, with us by the fire, completing homework or talking or reading, or even just lying lazily on the sofa (if White Blaze hadn't turned up to claim it.)

Saturday, being a half-day, had a pattern all its own. (Several teacher workdays were turned into half-days to make up for all the days we'd missed from ice and snow, a move that was not at all popular with the students. They do this in America, taking days away from vacation to 'make-up' missed winter days; there are such things as being toofaithful to one's source.) Anyway, Saturday was the day Ryo taught two beginner classes in the dojo after school, so ordinarily I would have simply walked home alone, as I did on Tuesday and Thursday. I had started to do just that when I remembered a few things we were needing from the grocery and turned around to walk back to the store. As I went, I happened to pass the village bookstore...and that was that. Before I knew it, it was nearly four-thirty. I hurried to get what we needed from the grocery and caught up with Ryo about a quarter of the way home. It gave him a shock, as he thought I was already at home, but it was nice to walk together and he helped carry some of the grocery bags. After that it became the standard proceedure; it saved us from having to make a trip down again on Sunday.

That particular routine soon became more than a simple, coincidental convenience. It gave me more contact with the people of Azu than I had had before, and it was then that I learned how few of them held prejudices. I struck up quite a friendship with the bookstore owner- we spent a lot of time talking about this book or that, or recommending some author to each other- and was soon on reasonably familiar terms with most of the village. It was a marvelously gratifying experience.

Sundays only had one thing in common, and that was that Ryo would give me another sword lesson sometime during the day. Well, two things- that, and making sure all the homework was done. Aside from that, we simply did whatever we did: wandering in the woods, playing with Blaze, having snow fights or friendly duels, testing out the armor, talking about the future. Or chores- chopping and gathering wood, fetching water, washing clothes or dishes, dusting or sweeping...all the while enjoying each others' company. That was easily done- most of the time. There were, naturally enough, occasional...trouble spots, and one of them- as is the case in nearly every close relationship- was about finances.

I had never fully understood just how my brother lived. I knew that he used oil lamps for light and the fireplace for heat because the electricity was so unreliable, but I had not realized that even if it had been more reliable, he still wouldn't have used it. In fact, it wasn't much more glitchy than what I had been used to in the city, but all the same, we seldom turned on a light or cooked on the stove. I also couldn't understand his requirement of carrying in water from the iced-over creek and using so much wood to boil it when there were perfectly good faucets. And as nice as it was to wrap up in a blanket and sit close to him by the fire, I couldn't help but feel that turning on the furnace might be more useful. I did understand why he made use of the dead animals White Blaze brought home; meat was incredibly expensive and it was far cheaper to butcher the occasional deer than to trek down and buy a small portion at the grocery. I won't say it wasn't a huge shock the first time it happened, though, and I didn't have much appetite for a day or two afterwards. 

I'm reasonably observant, but sometimes I skip things. I skipped that one; it wasn't until the second Saturday that I suddenly understood. I had been sitting by the fire, reading a book by lantern and shivering despite the blanket and White Blaze's warm fur, and I decided enough was enough. I got up and went down the hall, looking for a thermostat, and happened to glance into Ryo's room. He was sitting at his desk, a candle on either side, a pile of envelopes at his elbow, writing. After a moment, he tore something off his page, stuck it into the envelope, and sealed it. 

'Oh,' I thought. 'A bill-'

You could say it opened some floodgates in my mind. I had never had to think about bills and debts before; my mother and then the General had always seen to such things. But it didn't take much experience with money to reason that whatever Ryo was making at the dojo couldn't possibly be enough to support himself, much less the two of us. That explained a few things, and worried me more than a little. It was, I thought, high time I contributed something beyond mere chore assistance. 

As it happened, I had the means available. The General had given me a generous bank account, but had insisted that every purchase I made be approved by him. If he didn't approve, I wasn't permitted to make a withdrawal, and as he got the statements each month, there was no way I could do so secretly. Once I left his house, I didn't feel I needed his permission any longer, so I emptied the account, leaving only the absolute minimum required to prevent penalties. Then I ran into a problem: someone over eighteen had to share a new account with me, since I wasn't legal age. The result was that I had a fair bit of cash lying around that I took a bit of whenever I needed some. It was, I have to admit, very inefficient and not altogether secure. I had no real fears of being robbed, but so much money really did need to be in a bank, earning interest if nothing else. 

So I went into Ryo's room and told him that I would add my money to the account he used- the one that was his father's- and that he should use some of it to help with expenses. And ran smack into my brother's pride. 

Ryo did NOT want to take money from me, and said so in almost those exact words. He didn't even want to let me look at the bills, saying it was his business- and that gave my own pride a bit of a knock. Not to play on words, but we both got pretty heated about it. We didn't quite fight, but both of us ended up raising our voices, which was a new experience for me in itself. Ryo's argument was that I was contributing more than enough, what with doing 'every chore in sight' before he had time to turn around; he was afraid I'd start to feel more like his housekeeper than his friend. I countered by saying there were hardly any chores in sight to do, compared with what I was used to, and there'd be even less if he'd use more conventional methods- like clothes-washers- which we'd be able to afford if he'd just let me help out. 

At that point he tried a tactic that left me reeling: he said he could hardly expect a guest... Well, I lost the rest of the statement, because my whole mind stopped at 'guest' and I stood there with my spirit sinking straight down into the floor. I had not considered myself his 'guest' and to think that my brother saw me as one was a terrible feeling. "Is that all I am?" I demanded, not trying to hide how upset I was. "Nothing but a guest? Because a good guest leaves before the welcome wears out and their host gets tired of constantly serving them and seeing to their comfort."

In his defense, Ryo looked appalled and immediately tried very hard to take back what he'd said. It was, he explained, only that I'd had things so badly before; he did want to make sure I was comfortable and happy, but not as a guest. Didn't he call me brother practically every day? Was I worried that he no longer felt brotherly towards me or wanted to send me away?

I took a minute to get some composure back, then replied slowly that I wasn't concerned about being sent away, but on the other score I did have some doubts. Surely if he'd had a real brother, one who shared his parents, one of blood- surely he would expect that sibling to help with things. "And if that sibling didn't, you'd be very resentful, wouldn't you?" I asked. "What does being my brother mean to you? What does me calling this house my home mean?"

Ryo sat staring at the floor for a while, and for some reason I noted the hole in the side of his slipper. It was so clear to me, so suddenly: he didn't want to admit that he needed the help, didn't want me to see how little he...we...had. Maybe it was pride; maybe he was afraid I'd leave if I knew how poor he really was- if only to ease some of the need to stretch things. Two can live as cheaply as one, but only for half as long. Or maybe he thought of my offer as charity. It didn't matter: I went over to him and took his hands in mine. He was still for another moment, then sighed, looked up, and said- graciously enough, under the circumstances, "Thank you."

"I know," I told him. "Sometimes pride's all you've got in abundance, and it's hard when someone tries to take it away." His eyes went wider, and then he laid his cheek against my arm for a moment.

"That's right. But..." He paused, then smiled sourly. "But pride's inedible, and it's not too useful in the fireplace, either. So I might as well get rid of it, and have room for more necessary things." 

"Yes, it takes up a lot of space," I agreed, and then I hugged him, feeling a great deal better. 

So after school the next day, we went home, gathered our money, and deposited it right where it ought to be. The bank teller cheerfully added my name to the list of who was permitted to use the account and I felt satisfied for all of an hour before I started thinking about the fact that sooner or later I, too, would need a job. But that was going to have to wait until the school term was over; very few people would hire a thirteen-year-old in any case, and certainly not when school was in session. Giving lessons in martial-arts or swordsmanship in return for chores done, as Kigan-san did with Ryo, was acceptable enough, and if Ryo was skilled enough already to teach a class or two, then it was right that he be compensated. But that was a rare exception, and there weren't many job openings in Azu anyway. It might be that I would have to go into Toyama to find some work, and the thought didn't entirely thrill me. 

By the time March arrived in a howling of wind and violent rainstorms, I had been with Ryo for almost three weeks. For the most part I had been very content; only three things troubled me. The first was mild concern over the job I would eventually have to find, and the second was that I had started having nightmares about the General about the middle of the second week. I had expected that, which does not mean I found it pleasant to be right. I depended a great deal on my brother at those times. If you must wake in a state of complete panic, having someone like Ryo to put you back together again is a vast blessing. He always stayed with me until I was able to sleep again, and as often as not I woke up to find him beside me still.

The third thing that bothered me was that since the day I had come to Azu, Rowen had avoided both me and Ryo. It's hard to describe exactly how, though- he still sat with us at lunch and in the library, but he rarely had anything to say, didn't pay much attention to us, and often got up to wander off by himself. He still met us in the mornings, but rarely said much more than 'good morning'. Clearly, he wasn't comfortable around us. We had expected it, but it was very depressing and Ryo and I spent some time wondering how long it would be before he felt at ease with us again. 

We got our answer just a few days into the new month, and it changed everything- again.