It was around the middle of my second week in Ryo's house that I started to get...worried? Cranky? Impatient? Maybe all of those and sullen thrown in as well. Or maybe it was none of them; maybe I was just up to my eyeballs in denial and trying to pretend I wasn't.

Basically, I was losing my patience at being left dangling, and I kept having nagging doubts about my pet theory. No matter how many times I reminded myself that settling the dispute with Mokei and finding a new place and moving into it would take Mom a lot of time, I kept getting this feeling- well, why sugar-coat it? I kept remembering how Mom hadn't come home when I was sick, how Dad hadn't checked in after he'd gone back to New York, all the times their schedules had shifted and their attention had been elsewhere, all the times I'd been left home alone... and I knew very well that the best indicator for the future is the past. 

I wasn't happy with the alternate theory that kept nagging at me, but I did try not to take it out on Sage and Ryo. There was more than enough stress in the air without me snapping off for no real reason, and it wasn't as if it was their fault. I did start indulging in long walks by myself, now that I didn't have to worry about studying, and often found some remote area to practice shooting for hours on end. That eased my privacy cravings- sometimes to the point where I'd suddenly feel lonely and miserable and hurry back to the house for some company. The guys were always kind to me when I came in feeling (and probably looking) lost, but it was never as comforting as I wished...which was my own damn fault, more on which a little later.

You'll note I said 'try'. I did try, but I wasn't always successful; couldn't always stop myself from being sour and cynical and occasionally rude at them. I felt awful about it afterwards- I apologized, but I knew perfectly well, and I knew they knew, that I was using them to vent my feelings about my selfish, neglectful, indifferent parents. And that gave me the sort of guilt complex that drives you to long solitary walks in the woods... Talk about a vicious cycle, I had one going.

And what did my friends do when I snapped at them? Did they snap back or shake me or give me the punch in the nose that I had just earned? No. Never. They waited me out and forgave me at once and patted me gently and told me not to worry about it. Guilt complex, oh yeah, I pretty well swam in guilt for a while. I didn't understand how I could be such an ungrateful asshole. I didn't realize- or didn't admit, even to myself- that I was testing them. Testing their acceptance of me.

Sage told me later that he got a sort of wry amusement out of it, seeing how very much like him I was. "It was like watching myself, hearing myself. Not things I really said, but things I often wanted to say, attitudes I wanted to express. Watching you do it, it was like...I no longer needed to, you did it for me," was how he put it. 

Ryo wasn't so amused; he was very sympathetic and he started to really dislike my mother. He simply couldn't comprehend how any mother could treat a child so callously- any child, but especially her own- and he decided to take some action himself. (He didn't tell me until a long time later, either.) He went into Toyama a few times (when I thought he was down at the dojo, working) and talked to Mokei-san, trying to get the story on Mrs. Hashiba. What he eventually found out was that she'd returned around the middle of exams week, thrown a fit, paid her bill, failed to ask where her son was, packed up her things, and departed without a saying where she could be contacted or even where she'd be relocating to. For all Mokei-san knew, she'd rejoined her ex-husband in America to yell at him for a while, and if the son hadn't been taken in by honorable Sanada's family, Mokei would have taken grim pleasure in reporting her to the authorities for her treatment of the poor boy. Even so he was tempted; honorable Sanada's visit made it clear the mother had no idea or interest in her son's whereabouts or welfare...

"It is tempting," was Ryo's reply. "I'd turn her in myself, but then they'd probably give him back to her. They'd just scold her and tell her to do better. I don't want to lie awake at night worrying if he's okay or not, or maybe where in the world he is and if he's hungry or sick or lonely..."

Mokei-san gave that a few moments of thought, then agreed that I was far better off with my caring friends than my uncaring mother and it would be best not to disrupt the arrangement. 

So that settled that. For all intents and purposes, I was abandoned, I just didn't know it yet. Ryo didn't want to accept it any more than I did- he kept hoping my mother would turn up and start treating me right- but as the days passed and she didn't, he grew more and more sympathetic to me and more angry at her. I think that's why he was so quick to forgive me after my idiotic behavior, chalking it up to 'he's upset about his mother.' 

Neither of them asked me, then, what had become of my assertion that they were more my family than my parents were. Maybe they knew I wouldn't be able to answer that yet, or maybe they didn't want to confirm that I'd changed my mind. Or maybe they just didn't need to; I hadn't been acting very 'family' lately.

What tripped the switch, so to speak, was the letter I got at the end of the week.

I better do a little more explaining first, though. After school ended, Ryo did start working at the Kigan dojo again, three days a week instead of just two. So he wasn't around on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday afternoons for a couple hours. Sage wasn't working, but he used those hours to go down to the village himself and have his lessons with Jiro, knowing Daisuke wouldn't be in the vicinity. That played a big part in reducing my major need for privacy. I had the house to myself for a while, and it did help my mood some. It was also a time when I knew I wouldn't be making any (more) cultural gaffes.

Anyway, while Sage and Ryo were off training and-or being trained, I had the place to myself and made the most of it. Which is not to say I went wild throwing my stuff all over or making a mess in the kitchen or anything- I had at least enough manners to pick up after myself without grumbling about it. The point is, I didn't go down to the village with them. I read, I listened to music, I lay on the sofa- which was usually unoccupied at that time of the day- I had some lunch or a snack and usually got something in the way of supper started when it began to get dark. 

It just so happened that particular Saturday afternoon that I went into the kitchen to grab my regular snack and discovered we were getting pretty bare in the larder. I looked at the place on the refrigerator where the grocery list hung and wasn't surprised to see a fresh piece of paper; Sage often did that, taking the list with him and stopping on the way back to shop for whatever we needed. Usually it fit into one, maybe two bags; this time, looking at the situation, I had a feeling there was either going to be a heavy load to carry or we were going to have to make two separate shopping trips. I think it was the fact that we were out of not one, but three of my favorite snacks that decided the issue for me. I checked in the refrigerator, scratched a few more items onto the list, locked up the house (Ryo swore that wasn't necessary, but I wasn't taking any chances) and headed down the trail towards the village. 

It was actually a very pleasant walk- the thing is, I overestimated how long it would take me to get to Azu. I allowed a lot of time because it was August and pretty hot and I have never been wild about getting heatstroke. (Ryo, of course, adored the weather.) But the trees provided plenty of shade and there was a nice breeze blowing, so I had plenty of energy. End result, when I stepped off the dirt road and onto the paved one, there was still about half an hour left before Sage would be done with his practice, and forty-five or fifty minutes before Ryo would get out of the dojo. I went to the grocery store and got the non-perishable items, pretending not to notice the cashier's surprised glances at me, then took myself across the street and sat down on a bench outside the train station to wait. And while I waited, I opened up one of the boxes I'd bought and had my snack.

Maybe if I hadn't been in direct sunlight... Whatever. After a while I noticed two things. One, I was getting mighty warm, and two, the post office was right down the street from me, and still open. There was no mailbox at the house or on the road, we had to get it straight from the PO box in the office. So on a whim, I got up and went down to fetch whatever mail might be waiting. I didn't really expect to find anything; I figured Ryo would have picked it up on his way to the dojo, but it wouldn't hurt to look, and incidentally hang out in the air-conditioning for a while. I forgot that no one in Azu HAD air-conditioning. 

Well, actually, Ryo says the Kigan brothers do, that he knows of, but none of the businesses did. 

Anyway, to my surprise, there was a stack of mail, and in the stack was one addressed to me. From Osaka. It didn't take much guessing to know who that was from. Osaka's the biggest island associated with Japan, way off the southern tip, and it was where Mom and Dad grew up. Besides, I recognized Mom's handwriting. 

It's hard to say how I felt- sort of Finally!, sort of What the hell took you so long? and sort of, Osaka? Why Osaka? I thanked the postmaster and went outside to open the letter in a more private area, of which there were plenty. I found a nice shady bench outside a little restaurant, sat down, put the other letters in the grocery bag at my feet, then ripped open the envelope. There were two things inside, one a thin black book that I didn't bother with, the other a small, folded piece of paper. I unfolded it and started to read. 

The first half was all about Mom's 'ugly' encounter with our former landlord, and she heaped so much abuse on the good man that I skipped it in exasperation. It was hardly Mr. Mokei's fault that Dad hadn't arranged the rent properly, and the man did have a living to make! He could have done a lot worse than just confiscate her stuff, and she knew it- in New York, it would've gone to the Sheriff's auction and she would've been dragged into court and had the pants sued off her! Figuratively. 

The second half was.... I had to stop reading, give myself a shake, and try again before I really took in what she was saying, and when it did hit me, I didn't bother finishing. I just crumpled the paper up and sat there with it in my fist, staring at the building opposite me and feeling weirdly empty. 

I'm still not sure how or when Sage and Ryo turned up- I mean, obviously they were on their way home from their respective lessons, but how they happened to notice me sitting on that bench, I don't know. Ryo points out that I'm not exactly inconspicuous, but that's not the point; the point is, they had to be going in pretty much the opposite direction from home to find me. Maybe we'd been around each other long enough for the link to start forming and they picked up on it, but I dunno- I was mostly feeling numb. Then again, 'numb' would definitely have been a change from the norm for me... Anyway, whatever the reason, I sort of snapped out of my thousand-yard stare when someone called my name and shook my shoulder. I looked up. Ryo and Sage were standing on the sidewalk in front of me. I gazed at them both for a moment, feeling disoriented; I recognized them, of course, and yet I almost didn't. I was so emotionally screwed up at the moment that it was rather like looking at a pair of strangers who reminded me of people I knew. 

"Rowen? What's wrong?" Ryo sounded worried and his eyes, shining bright blue in the sunlight, narrowed slightly.

"Did something happen at the house- is that why you're here?" Sage absently brushed at the gold forelock hanging over his eye, his hair glittering with highlights. They were like opposite sides of the same coin, I thought distractedly. Light and dark...

"You've been to the grocery..." Ryo sat down beside me and picked up the plastic bag.

"Uh- um, yeah," I managed, trying to pull myself together. "I noticed- that the list was gone and I saw there were a couple more things- and I didn't think we wanted to make a lot of trips, so I went and got some...some stuff..." I stopped and looked down at my clenched fist as Sage murmured something encouraging. "And I went to the post office," I added, suddenly tired, and opened my hand. "My...mother...wrote to me."

Ryo blinked at the wadded paper, then at me, his expression turning grim. "I think you didn't like what she had to say."

I clenched my hand again, then, on impulse, opened it and smoothed out the paper. "First, she spends half the letter insulting Mokei-san," I began. "So I didn't read much of that. Then, she tells me she's moved back to Osaka-"

"Osaka!" my friends exclaimed. "So far away," Sage continued, his forehead wrinkling. I sat still for a moment, thinking about that. What if she had written that she was taking me to Osaka- about as far from my friends as it was possible to get? 

"Yeah, well, she and Dad grew up there, so... Anyway, then she says she got a nice apartment for less than half what it cost in Toyama, which is as well since she won't be in it much." I took a deep breath. "Then, she- she says that since I'm attending school up here, and since my friends are obviously willing to- to- board me- that- that she's opened a joint bank account and sent me the bank-book and I can compensate my cost of living from that. She-" I had to stop and take another breath. "-Says there's a withdrawal slip in it and she signed it and I should fill it out and take it to the bank and they'll transfer for me so I'm not a- burden for the rest of the summer."

I don't know exactly what Ryo said to that, but it sounded vicious and it probably wasn't polite at all. 

"Just because your mother is cruel enough to suggest that you're a burden doesn't mean you are one, you know," Sage said, quietly, but with ice in his voice. 

"Well, she thinks I am, or she wouldn't be so-" I shook my head and shut up. 

"So willing to give an excuse like school and try to bribe her way out of guilt," Ryo spat. "Rowen..." His voice suddenly went soft and he put his arm around me.

"I- thought...I always thought she didn't...I even said it a couple times, when I was really mad, but I never had any proof." I shook my head again. "Now-" I stopped and blinked as a pale hand took the remains of the letter from mine, and looked up at Sage, who was nodding sadly.

"It's different when they actually take steps, isn't it? But you're not unwanted, Rowen. You belong with us. And you are not a burden."

I felt tears in my eyes and lifted my hand to rub them as Ryo's arm tightened around me. "I don't get it," I said blankly. "How can she- and why did I keep telling myself that she- I gave up on Dad, why not on her, too?"

"Because your father actually left," Sage answered gently, taking my hand and urging me to stand up. "Your mother kept coming back, and calling, so you kept hoping."

I nodded, clinging hard to his hand as a shudder of dizziness took me. What had begun when Mom wouldn't come back to Japan after my bout with pneumonia had finally ended: she had come back, but not to me. Not to take me to live with her and be my mother and love me. To move away and make herself unreachable. To get me out of her life...oh, maybe she hadn't dropped me off at the nearest foster-care center, but as soon as she saw an opportunity, she was more than happy to turn me over to other people. It was almost as if-

"I guess they've divorced me, too," I whispered. "I feel like such an idiot for hoping..."

"Wanting your mother to be your mother is hardly being an idiot," Ryo said with gentle asperity. "And they would have divorced anyway, eventually, after a lot more yelling and fighting and making you miserable. It's hard to imagine it could be worse than it was, but- it could, Ro."

I nodded again and sighed, struggling to face the bare, bitter truth. Mom didn't want me. I'd known it, known it for years and hoped it wasn't true, but it was and the only thing I could do was accept it. And hope it stopped hurting soon. Thank God I had my friends...except-

"Here."

I looked over at Sage, then took the bankbook he handed me- the thin black thing that had been in the envelope with the letter. A bit of a breeze gusted suddenly, flipping the pages and turning the cover back, and I saw the withdrawal form inside. I stood still for a moment, staring at it while thoughts twisted and raced through my mind, and finally let go of Sage's hand to take the form out and look at it.

As she'd written, it was blank in the amount section, but her signature was on the 'joint owner' line. I opened the book itself and felt my eyes widen at the balance there. Mom must have been feeling some truly severe guilt pangs-

No, probably that sum was supposed to last me for a year. That much wasn't just for a summer, and she had said that when I needed more I should write to her...

Hm. 

Hmmm.....

"Ryo," I said slowly, my mind moving at warp speed, "You have an account with this bank, right?" I turned the book so he could see the cover.

"Yes, it's the one down there." He pointed down the street. "The only bank in Azu. Why?"

"Well, I'd like to transfer this-" I waved the book "into your account, if you don't mind."

"You what?" Ryo blinked at me, then frowned. "Why? Because she said that ridiculous thing about compensation? I don't want to take money from you, Rowen-"

"No, not like that." I met Sage's eyes for a moment, then looked at Ryo again. "I know you don't consider me a- border, or whatever, it's not that. It's, this here-" I waved the book again, "-is a joint account. So every time I want to take something out of it, I'll have to send her a letter with a withdrawal form in it, wait for her to get it, and sign it, and send it back. It could take a couple months, even assuming she agrees and lets me do a withdrawal; she might ask what it's for and I'd have to waste more time explaining. She might just say no, or forget about it. Or the letter might get lost, or someone might open it- that would be a disaster..."

"Well, not a disaster, but extremely inconvenient," Sage remarked.

"For her, a disaster," I said dryly. "So what I'm thinking is, if I use this slip she already signed to just move the whole sum on over now, I won't have to worry about all that. Then all I have to do is get you to sign instead, when I need some pocket money- and that won't take more than a day and maybe a couple bribes, right?" I managed a smile as Ryo pretended to look evilly intrigued.

"It's a good idea," Sage put in. "The same thing we did, and adding Rowen shouldn't be a problem at the bank. They have so few customers, they- how do you say it? Bend over back?"

"Backwards. Yeah, like doing a back walkover. Or going under a limbo bar," I agreed.

Ryo gave me a puzzled look- apparently he didn't know what limbo was- then stood for a moment in thought. "I guess it is a good idea," he agreed, but he was frowning. "It's a lot more efficient, and easier for you- but won't she be angry about it?"

I shrugged. "Probably not. That might be why she left the amount blank to begin with, so I could move it all if I wanted to. Otherwise she would have filled that in herself."

"Well, that's true." He paused again. "But why not just open your own account?"

"She'd have to sign something else for that, right? Maybe a couple different things. I am still underage..." 

"Oh, right- I wasn't thinking." Ryo wrinkled his nose, then nodded. "Okay, then as long as we're here, want to go take care of it now?"

"They're open Saturdays?" I said in surprise.

"They can't really not be open Saturdays; that's when all the businesses do their accounts for the week and decide how much to save, to spend, and to invest," Sage explained. "That and Monday are the busiest days. Remember, just like schools, offices have Saturday hours..." 

"Oh." I shook my head, shoving the hurt and betrayal and rejection I was feeling into the back of my mind. There were, I told myself sternly, far more important things to think about than someone who clearly didn't waste any time thinking about me. It was like in that book I had read...what was it called?... there had been something about family being who you chose it to be, not those who merely shared your blood. It was a notion I had spent some time thinking about and my main thought as I recalled it was that it was definitely one of those things more easily talked about than actually done. Even when you're angry and hurt and bitterly disappointed in someone you love, it's not easy to let go of them and attach that love to anyone else. 

Though my parents didn't seem to have found it too hard... No, I had it backwards; they had found it hard. They had found it too hard to let go of their love for themselves and apply it to me and to each other! 

I let that thought linger in my mind as we went into the bank, letting the anger in it control my other emotions. Anger's pretty good at blocking out a lot of the more depressing emotions- for a while. Long enough that you can talk and behave normally, without people wondering what's wrong. And think straight, which is important when you're dealing with large sums of money and legal jargon in a foreign language.

Ryo was pretty shocked at the amount of money that his account suddenly increased by, and I think it gave him some second thoughts, but Sage reacted as though it was nothing special and in fact muttered something about the American expression 'pinching pennies'. "She could stand to be more generous, she's lived here long enough to know what things cost. That wouldn't get you an apartment in the bad part of Toyama," he observed dismissively. "Not for a year."

"Oh, a year. I thought that was for the summer," Ryo said, and went about the paperwork willingly enough. Sage caught my gaze and arched his eyebrow; I smiled a little wanly back at him. We'd both noticed that the bank-manager was practically drooling at the total and I wondered just how many plans he had to utilize Mom's money. I knew perfectly well that the object of banking is actually to make a profit, not merely grant loans and provide interest from the goodness of your heart, and I was pretty sure there would be some decisive steps taken on Monday morning. What exactly they'd be, I wasn't sure- I wasn't an accountant and hadn't put much effort into understanding loans and securities and so on- but it didn't bother me too much. Whatever he did, it wouldn't be nearly as risky as an American bank's antics. But I did think about it enough to tuck away a percentage of it into the Japanese equivalent of a certificate of deposit. That way no one could touch it, and if worst came to worst, it was insured, so I'd have at least that much. 

I think that impressed the manager; he was even more deferential after that paper was signed. I suppose he thought he was dealing with a very savvy customer. 

{Cynical definitely; savvy maybe not so much.}

{Thanks, Sage. Now shoo. Out. Go. Scat.} 

It didn't take us too long to get to a teller, but the actual transfer process was pretty tedious. After about ten minutes of standing around, Sage vanished to go get the grocery shopping done. Ryo stayed with me to sign things and quietly translate them so I'd know what I was signing. When we finally dotted the last T and crossed the final I, we left the bank to find Sage just departing the grocery store with half a hundred bags.

Ok, half a dozen. We shared them out and walked home, hurrying a bit despite the- well, no, because of the heat. No sense getting home and finding out the milk's gone bad because you were takin' your sweet time. But it did mean we got home in a bit of a lather- two of us did, anyway- and after everything was put away, Sage and I went to the creek to splash ourselves cool. Ryo came with us, but he had no need to cool down. Just the opposite, he was so peppy from the heat, you'd think he'd had a liter of Mountain Dew. I wasn't nearly so peppy, between the walk and the letter, and 'peppy' doesn't usually describe Sage at any time, so eventually Ryo ran off with White Blaze to burn some of his excess energy (pun intended). That left Sage and I alone on the bank of the creek, the only sound the gurgle of the running water.

It was a pretty awkward moment- at least on my part; I don't know if it was similarly awkward for Sage or not, since I wasn't looking at him. I was beginning to get the feeling I was in a bit of a pickle; I'd been trying so hard to concentrate on the practical aspects and ignore the emotional ones that I'd overlooked the most basic fact of the whole ugly situation. Mom wasn't going to come and get me. She was 'boarding' me with Ryo and Sage, and that meant my temporary stay with my friends had just turned into a permanent one. They were stuck with me, and I was stuck with them, and I had this not-entirely-shrewd suspicion that it wasn't a completely welcome development.

'Course, it didn't take a genius to know that. The fact was that my time thus far in their house had been confusing, frustrating, and downright weird, by turns, and I had no doubt that we'd all regretted my presence there at least a few times. That's not to say it was entirely unpleasant, or that Ryo or Sage were cruel enough to wish I was gone when I could hear them, but I had no doubt they did wish it; I certainly had at several points.

I'm gonna get logical now.

Problem one was that there's an unspoken code of behavior for virtually every inter-personal relationship possible in Japan. The way you treat someone at work is different from the way you treat someone when going out for an after-work drink at a bar, which is different from how you act when you invite someone over for an afternoon, which is different from how you behave in a classroom or in the club after school... and so on. All of which is radically different from how a family acts among itself when they're alone in their home. 

This led to problem one, part two, which was that Ryo and Sage weren't sure where to fit me into the scheme of things. Was it 'our' house now, or still just 'theirs'? Was it 'my room' or 'the guest room'? Was I to be treated with respectful deference or casual irreverence? In short, was I a guest or was I temporary member of the family until my mother decided to claim me? Since I was Ronin- if somewhat unwillingly- as well as a good friend, they had decided to treat me as family. 

Part three was all about me and my ignorance. I had no clue that there was this...status uncertainty going on. All I knew was, Mom had taught me how to be a good guest, so that was how I tried to behave. Turned out that A) Mom hadn't taught me too well because B) there's a big difference between a visitor who's only dropping by briefly and one who's staying for a while. 

The result was one big mess. We were all reading off our own scripts, so to speak, and getting confused at the conflicting cues. We all kept adjusting our behavior to try and match each other, then reverting in confusion, then backing off, then trying again... It was frustrating for all of us, but I was the lucky one; I knew 'formal' and 'informal' and that was pretty much it. Sage and Ryo, being more knowledgable, experienced the frustration of shifting between 'formal to a guest younger than myself', 'formal to a guest younger but with more status than myself', 'ultra-formal', 'casual acceptable to a night out', 'casual acceptable to a school environment', 'casual acceptable to a guest invited into one's home', 'family casual', and 'family formal'. Not necessarily in that order, but you get the point. The sad part was that it was all wasted on someone who was totally oblivious to subtle nuances. I heard the differences, of course- the different uses of I and you- but I didn't have a clue what it really meant. 

Problem two was related to problem one, in regards to point A: Mom and Dad hadn't taught me very well. It took a couple days to realize that, and I'm not sure why. My parents hadn't taught me kanji, or mentioned that students didn't change classes, or warned me that streets in Japan almost never had names and homes were numbered randomly, and a number of other things too numerous to list extensively, so I don't know why I thought they'd been any more thorough on the culture and courtesy aspects. Despite all my questions to Sage and Ryo, I was still very ignorant about many of the less-known customs and habits of Japan; that would be because most of what we'd talked about didn't have to do with living in a Japanese household- either as one of the family or as a guest. What we had discussed had scratched the surface; now I was getting down into deeper and totally uncharted territory. And as anyone without a decent map would do, I made a lot of mistakes and embarrassed the hell out of myself. And privately seethed at my parents, not that that was any big change.

Problem three was that I was a creature of next to no habits, and the few I did have were totally different from the habits of my two friends. That aspect wasn't so bad the first week, when we were all wound up with studying and all on the same schedule by default, but the second week... 

Well, week two sucked, to put it bluntly. Part of that was because my bad attitude about Mom made me less polite than usual, and problem three was hanging out around the edges of everything else, but we got off to a very poor start anyway as problem one and two kicked in.